by L.T. Milroy and Veruca Salt
LT: The watchword for this episode is contortion. In the opening scene, a woman’s corpse is found strung up in a sheet or something, all contorted. Not sure what she’s wrapped in exactly, but we see more of it later in the episode. It seems to be some sort of yoga contraption that apparently rich people use.
The corpse scene is brief before we’re on to what I guess is going to be the weekly obligatory scene of Laura being super badass. She’s in the park stuffing a soft pretzel in her face…
when she happens upon two punks robbing a guy. She drops the pretzel, insults the punks, then tases one of them when he gets mouthy.
V: As we learned from last week, probably not a good idea to call Laura a beeyotch. And does it seem to you that Laura keeps her trim figure by getting interrupted after her first bite of food? She never got to eat the stale burrito last week, and she had barely a bite of that chocolate cheesecake before she had to go.
LT: A couple of uniforms show up to make arrests. Laura picks the pretzel off the ground and resumes chowing down before mumbling something about the “five-second rule” to a nearby grossed-out little kid.
V: Apparently the vic, Christa, is a huge Sex and the City fan, because she used the name Samantha Jones. And the cut-up label to that little lacy camisole the victim was wearing, leads them to a high-end lingerie shop where she got it on sale.
LT: Of course, Laura also loves to run her mouth, so there’s more obligatory bad-assery when she tries to question the snooty clerk, who disses her and walks away.
To get her attention, Laura tells the whole store about the problem with her “nether regions” and how she’s been trying on all the panties. That clears everyone out, thus leaving snooty clerk free to answer Laura’s questions.
So now Jake, the ex, is Laura’s boss. Would that ever happen in actual real life? I would think a police department would go out of its way to make sure spouses/exes are not working in the same precinct.
V: TV trope. Annoying and totally realistic!
LT: I do like that Jake is putting up an Elvis Costello poster in his office (that he says Laura gave him. Good taste all around!). And it’s of Trust, an album released all the way back in 1981. Some hardcore rock trivia, kiddies. Later in the ep it’s reinforced that Laura is a total 80s music nerd. They touched on that last week and it’s a nice detail that they’re continuing with it. Jake is wearing super-tight jeans as he hangs the poster.
V: Yes, and the meter maids are thrilled. They’re watching him like teenagers at a Justin Bieber concert. His new nickname is “Captain Booty.”
He also confirms the divorce is final and shows off his ringless left hand.
LT: Jake is trying to win over everyone in the squad by bringing donuts to work, but Laura warns them against being Jaked.
V: That’s CRONUTS, which are way more awesome than even donuts are…
LT: I’m sure Laura knows the difference, she knows all about crappy food. It looks like, for the moment, anyway, they don’t mind at all being “Jaked” and would be happy for it to continue. Actually, I should amend that Jake is being nice to everyone except the squad’s gay guy. Jake keeps getting his name wrong and otherwise being dismissive. But then, I can’t even remember his name. Was he even on the show last week?
V: Yep. He’s the “Investigative Aid” I said I liked. Huge part of last week’s episode. He’s Laura’s informant.
LT: Now I remember him. He’s so different this week it’s like a different character. He didn’t really make an impression on me before, but he’s certainly noticeable this week, sashaying around and making wry comments and otherwise acting super gay. Seriously, Jack McFarland would tell this guy to dial it back a notch. He’s stereotyping all over the place. If he keeps this up, they’re going to have to put paper down.
V: I think they’re trying to establish his personality, just like they’re going over the top with every character the first couple of episodes. I’m assuming they’ll dial everyone down a notch, that is, if it’s not cancelled by next episode.
LT: Hope so. I found rent boy uncomfortable to watch.
V: That ex-hubby of Christa’s is a real peach. “She’s not my problem any more” as he clings to new trophy wife, who is CLEARLY not with his ugly mug for the money.
LT: You’re such a cynic! Don’t you believe in twoo luv?
V: Oh, yeahh. Prince Charming also doesn’t think the ex earned a little extra money for his “extra-curricular.”
Meanwhile, Laura is with yet another rich, vapid woman who doesn’t get that Laura is straight-up making fun of her to her face. Then she spots this little statue…
For those of you who are uninformed (as I was), you should know that is a Mets uniform and player. Laura says something about watching the Yankees, but new wifey-poo talks about how ridiculous it would be for Mr. Ugly Mug to watch the Yankees, not knowing UM just gave that as his alibi.
LT: I hate it when the sports-challenged can’t get their teams straight.
V: Laura also notices the otherwise perfectly put-together blonde is sporting a problem with her manicure.
She also knows a woman like this wouldn’t be walking around an entire week with that broken nail, like the rest of us riff-raff would.
Anyway, Laura totally bonds with the late Christa over their taste in music.
And from the look on Laura’s face about how Christa used to stay in and binge-watch Top Chef, I’m guessing there’s a beyond-the-grave connection there as well.
Ugly, jerky ex hadn’t even mentioned they had a daughter, so Laura is horrified when she walks into a kid’s room at Christa’s place, just as grandma brings the little girl to pick up her stuff. Laura promises her she’ll figure out what happened to her mom.
LT: Always a good idea to make promises you might not be able to keep to a little kid. But of course, we know Laura is all-powerful, so she’ll pull it off.
V: With really good shows, it totally backfires, but yeah, we all know Laura is the bestest cop in all the land, so it’s no problem.
And no matter how scummy ex-hubby and Trophy Wife were, they didn’t kill his wife. He lied about watching baseball because he was embarrassed about 21 Hump Street. Funny, this jackhole seems like he’d brag about watching porn with the TW.
LT: Yeah, I was surprised he didn’t go into detail and make me wash my eardrums out with bleach.
V: You know, Detective Snotty Pants, Meredith (again I had to look up her name from the reconvo from last week, because I DON’T CARE about her and her snotty ways.), can just go away. She’s one-dimensional and doesn’t add anything to the show. Give her more of a personality or something to do other than just calling everyone stupid and looking like she smelled something bad, okay, show?
LT: She does actually make herself useful this week, later on in the episode. So she does have some talents, other than looking pissed off and clucking her disapproval. Oh, and she wears those tight tops really well. That’s her skill set.
V: Yeah. I’ll get to that in a bit. I do give her props for that.
Ah, so now we get a good view of what that yoga thingie is really supposed to be used for.
LT: Is this sort of exercise a thing among the well-heeled of NY and LA?
It looks like another snotty rich woman (there seems to be no end to them on this show) got into an altercation with Christa, and she’d filed a police report. Turns out the fight was about SRW’s ex. Christa was seeing him.
That SRW must have run roughshod over this guy. He has two brain cells left that clearly haven’t met each other. He runs from the cops but confesses to…putting a firecracker up a squirrel’s butt. Yes, he thought he was being taken in for squirrel homicide.
Look at that! It seems like Laura’s close approximation to Christa will come in handy, since she was a member of Passion Pairings.
(REALLY, Show?) Anyway, Laura sets up a fake profile that is a Christa/Laura hybrid.
LT: Laura’s partner Billy and ex Jake go out drinking after work. How nice, some bonding between the men in her life.
V: I love how Jake is the woman here, begging for info about Laura and if Billy thinks he can get back with her. It was going so well. I really liked seeing the male bonding. That is, until something that almost never happens in real life, happens. Two beautiful girls, definitely much younger than Jake, lure them into a game of foosball and flirt mercilessly with them. One even lunges at Jake.
LT: They get hammered. Billy is a mess the next day.
Of course, Jake is fine. Gee, I didn’t see that coming. Billy decides he can’t be Jake’s “wing man” and informs him their bromance can’t continue
V: Yes, because he’s devoted to Laura, unlike Mr. Serial Cheater.
LT: Ah, the case, what to say about the case. It all seems so pointless on this show. The next day Laura’s scheduled twelve dates…all for the same night. She says she should be able to size up each date and whether he might be the killer or not in sixty seconds or less. She’s such a hopeless romantic.
V: Poor Jake wants to watch her work her magic, but he has babysitting duty. Oh, good. He’s great at discipline.
LT: It’s telling that he refers to looking after his own kids as “babysitting”. Pretty much says where his head is at, as a father. It’s called parenting, you clueless idiot.
V: Yeeeaaaah. Jake and the word “parenting’ took a vacation from each other a long time ago.
LT: As if to underscore her situation, the newly single Laura walks into a bar to meet her dates, sizes up the crowd, and says to herself, “So this is what the rest of my life is going to look like…” Good one, writers!
V: Twelve dates. Huh. I guess when you’re not being picky, your social life never has to stagnate. Case in point:
And it’s a SHOOTING MATCH. She hates Backgammon, the Jets, and the Giants, but mainly she acts like a jerk to find out if any of them had anger issues. Not these guys.
Except eventually some guy spills a drink down Laura’s back, calls her a “coug” and Kevin comes to the rescue. He’s got the right cologne and acts like a jerk right when Laura turns on her charm, and by that I mean insults him. He takes off.
LT: Laura tricks Kevin into a date. When he meets her in the park and is then trapped by Billy, he thinks he’s being robbed and throws Billy his wallet. He was coming off all mysterious and dangerous, but he’s really a wimp who gives up the goods to Laura immediately.
V: Funny. Instead of the date, he went to see a boy band and posted some “sick” pictures. Seriously, these offshoot characters are better than some of the main ones. Too bad we’ll never see Kevin again.
Anyway, Laura brings up his heroics, but it turns out that douche “coug” guy was a plant. Kevin pays him three grand a month to pick out his clothes, his dates, even his cologne. Wow, I’m in the wrong business.
LT: They refer to the ‘marks’ as DWARFs, which stands for Divorced Women Alone and Ready for…well, Kevin characteristically wimps out before he finishes. I wonder what that final letter could possibly stand for.
V: The guy is another winner. They want DWARFs who are self-conscious and insecure.
Billy and Laura’s suspicion is that Christa turned this winner down, and that’s how she wound up being a hanging ornament, but they need more evidence. Someone calling herself “Scarred for Life”, who posted on the douchebag’s website, supplies it. Apparently he plied her with alcohol, took her up to his room, then slapped her and threw her on the bed. Then he said “Middle-aged bitches can’t afford to be teases,” so she consented but obviously is not happy about that decision. However, it may have saved her life.
When Laura goes back to ex-hubby and suggests a sting, he is not happy about it. The subject of him becoming her husband again comes up, but Laura is happy not being with a serial cheater (yeah, I’m with ya there, sister), and tells him to basically sack up and treat her like a cop and not a wife. He insists on plenty of backup, and the deal is struck.
LT: A sting is staged, where Laura has a date with the killer.
V: And ex is one of the wingmen, doing an excellent job of blending in by not talking to anyone and watching Laura with a concerned look on his face. I can see how he rose through the ranks.
LT: Another TV trope I can’t stand with the accomplished character who has no discernible talents. How did hubby rise through the ranks, exactly? I hope they’ll at least try to show us.
V: Oh, look! Meredith finally makes herself useful. Laura does a handoff with the jerk’s phone.
LT: Yes, Meredith actually knows she can do something besides act superior and ticked off! As long as she’s being useful and wearing tight tops, she can stick around.
V: Laura closes the deal by throwing on the red scarf he strangled Christa with (evidence? PSSSH!), and off they go. I might add here that Laura acts confident and not at all self-conscious or needy, which is the type the guy said he was looking for in a DWARF. Laura played it the exact opposite way she should have, but somehow, because she’s Laura, it worked.
Laura texts the gang the guy’s address, and when they get to the dick’s place, he puts on a record album on a real record player. This is the second program I’ve seen in a week where someone not only has a record turntable, but uses it.
LT: When the detectives get to the guy’s place, they discover they can’t get in the building. Really? Shouldn’t these eventualities be part of setting up the sting? That’s some fine police work, there. The building is locked, so Jake calls the electric company and tells them to shut off the power so they can get in. This just seems to stretch credibility to the limit. They don’t believe Jake is a cop, so he starts yelling into the phone how important it is that they shut the power off. Eventually, he gets his way.
V: Uh, who did he call? What number does he have on speed dial to make this request? I mean, the second Billy says, “We need to cut the power,” Jake is already waiting for them to pick up. He didn’t have to look up the number. And if he has them on speed dial, he must know them, right? I know. Stop trying to make sense of it.
LT: None of that scene makes sense. But, yeah, ignore it.
Once at his place, Laura acts super-flirty with the killer to try to set things up. She’s being all cutesy and suggestive and practically removes his pants before deciding she’s changed her mind and wants to leave. I don’t think he needed that much encouragement, but he of course gets enraged and attacks her.
V: She seriously belts him across the face, which is awesome.
LT: Then the lights go out, and he hits her with a candleholder and starts to strangle her as the cops break the door down.
Afterward, Jake tells Laura about how proud he is that he didn’t sleep with the woman he met at the bar the night he went out carousing with Billy. He’s really proud about this. Laura should have given him a treat, like you do when a prized pet behaves, as that’s what he’s apparently seeking.
V: Dude was a serial cheater while they were married, and now he shuns one woman’s advances, and she should throw herself into his arms in a state of gratitude?
LT: That’s why it’s great when Laura says she has to get home because she has a “threesome” scheduled for that night. Cut to later, with her two kids sleeping at her sides. These kids are fine as long as they’re unconscious.
V: Agreed. Having them be less involved in the episode definitely upped my enjoyment factor.
LT: There’s a minor subplot with a young anarchist-type babe being held at the station after being arrested for taking part in some sort of do-gooder protest.
She spouts lots of power-to-the-people rhetoric, which Laura finds amusing. By the end of the episode, Laura’s inquiring about the young lady’s babysitting skills, so maybe we’ll see her again. She should be able to keep those little monsters in line.
V: I liked her. Funny that someone with a minor part had more character development and likability than some of the regulars. And HA! The “slumlord” she was picketing against was her dad who comes to bail her out at the end.
LT: They did flesh out her character quite a bit, which is why I won’t be surprised if she’s back. We already know far more about her than we do about Meredith.
The quote of the week comes from young anarchist chick (if she does become a semi-regular, maybe I’ll learn her name), whom Laura has asked for advice after registering with Passion Pairings:
“Bring your gun on these dates. Plenty of sick pervs out there!”